Whitewater Kayaking Is Freaking Me Out. I’m Hooked.
"Maybe the kayak will fly off the roof of the car and I won't be able to paddle."
"What if I forgot my spray skirt? I'd have to sit out."
"I could just keep driving past the meeting spot..."
^Actual thoughts running through my head as I drove myself to meet up for kayaking last month, as my brain tried to find a way out of it.
Paddling is scaring the shit out of me. (Sometimes literally. Always metaphorically.)
It also cracks me up, because logically, I know I'm pretty dang safe out there. I have safety gear. I'm on low consequence water. I'm with people who could probably pick me up and paddle me out of there blindfolded.
Yet somehow, the fear feels way more real than the logic.
I don't get stage fright. I'm not afraid of running a solo trail marathon. I often let the shower spiders live. But being stuck in a kayak? OOF.
As masochistic as it can feel in the moment, I looove doing things that scare me. It would be so easy to move through life without taking on these mental challenges, but every scary experience makes me a better person.
Once the adrenaline and resulting exhaustion wear off, I'm left with a bonus dose of energy, creativity and inspiration (and some stinky gear as a reminder).
Fear doesn't have to be my BFF, but I'm sure enjoying building a relationship with it. It puts pennies in my confidence bank.
SO. What's helping me get downstream:
When someone invites me to paddle, don't think about it, just say yes. Deal with it later.
Vocalizing when I'm nervous. Just being honest about it makes me feel like my partners "get" me. And when others say they're nervous too, it makes me put my brave face on.
Gratitude: for the lush green banks surrounding me, for the mesmerizing hydrology, for the patience others have when I'm scream-laughing through the waves.
Smiling. This is SO CHEESY, I know. But to the Class V paddler who gave me his top tip to smile when I'm nervous-- thank you.
